Thursday, January 23, 2014

Pep Talk Needed

I need a pep talk. This really has nothing to do with my One Little Word Authentic, but....I am in charge of my kids school auction and each school family is required to donate $$ toward the auction either in the form of actual $ or getting a business to donate. These donations were due before Christmas. A month has passed since they were due and I had to send a letter to the people who did not turn theirs in. I got back a hate filled, name calling, unprofessional e-mail... from a set of parents. To make matters worse these parents used the husbands rank in the military as a bully/intimidation tactic to make them seem more important. I tried to stand up and say that there was nothing wrong with my letter (even has my COO relative read it) and this was bullying. I was told to back off by both the PTO president and the principal. Why is it that even though I didn't do anything wrong I am still the loser here? Why do people like this get away this things like this? I am so mad at them and at myself because for the first 24 hours I really did think I did something wrong. I realized I didn't, so I got my ducks in a row to present that I didn't and now I feel again like I did something wrong. I am trying to be the bigger person here and tell myself to move on and just create the most wonderful event despite these people, but it is hard. Any advice?

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Why do kids make us so CRAZY!!!!

So, bad parenting moment for today...yes, today because I am sure that I will have another one tomorrow and the next day and the day after the next day.  You get the idea.

  This is what I felt like this morning.  While I may not have looked like it (i.e. no rollers because I have short hair) the feeling this photo evokes is what I felt like.  Connor, 10, got a rainbow loom for Christmas.  It is very challenging for him to make the bracelets due to weak fine motor skills and we have only mastered the very simple one.  Well last night, he took the 4 he had already made off of his wrist and put them God only knows where.  Fast forward to this morning about 10 minutes before school. 

C:"Mom, where did Dad put my bracelets?"
M:"I don' t know, let me call him."
R: "I didn't touch any bracelets last night I just moved some pillows"
C: "I worked really hard on those bracelets.  I want them back!"
M: "We need to get to school, why don't you think about where you could have taken them off and we will look after school."
C: "I don't want to look after school, I want them NOW!!!"
M: "If you can't remember where you took them off, then they are lost because I have no idea where they could be."
C (by now crying): "If you can't find them, I want my time back then!  I worked really hard on those and you don't seem to care."
M: "I do care, I love you, and I know how hard you worked, but we NEED to go to school.  I can look when I get home."
C (in car):"Why am I having such a bad day?"
M: "You need to focus on the positive and think about where you left the bracelets"
C (20 minutes into this): "You don't understand how hard I worked and you don't care."
M (completely loosing it): "What the hell do you want me to do about this?  These are not mine and not my responsibility.  I said I would look when I got home, there is nothing I can do about it now as I am driving down the street.  If you continue to cry and yell then you can get the F*#% out of the car and walk because I don't want to listen to it."
C (sobbing in back of car)

Yes, I am a horrible parent and I should have never said those types of words to my child.  Why is he able to push my buttons so much that I completely loose it?  So while I may have been authentic in how I was feeling, I should have never said those words to my child.  I know that his ADHD meds are off and we are working on getting them fixed, but his ability to drive me to the brink is amazing.  Anyone else ever had a day like this?  How do you keep it from happening again?

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Fears and Dreams

My fears...

... not being liked as I open up and being ridiculed (yes, I know I shouldn’t care what other think, but is anyone ever able to do this???)

... losing the people who I would like as inner circle friends because they don't like the authentic me

... not being able to open up with my husband or kids about what I would really like and would make me happy

... not being able to find the things that make me happy

... being so stressed that I quit and clam up again

... not finding the authentic me

I dream about...

... maybe making a friend who I can call when I am in need that doesn’t live 2,000+ miles away

... connecting with my kids to become a fun and lovable mom

... falling deeper in love with  my husband

... learning new things (scrapbooking, photography, crafts)

... finally putting the experiences that hurt me in my past.

... our trip across the country back to the Midwest this summer

Saturday, January 4, 2014

More and Less


This image from K.Pertiet got me thinking.  I want more of these things, but also:

More Shenanigans (to borrow a word someone else said lately)
More Hugs
More Crafting
More Giving
More Love
More Heart
More Connecting - to husband, kids, & people I know
More Dates
More Healthy Body
More Time - for myself, for my family, & for friends

Less Judgment
Less Feeling like a failure
Less Resentment          
Less Putting myself down

Less Anger
Less Depression & Anxiety

Someone made this collage of all the One Little Word 2014 words.  Is there one that speaks to you?

Friday, January 3, 2014

I chose this word because....

Why did I choose this word?  That is kind of a hard thing to wrap my brain around.  I have been feeling for a long time that people out here in WA are nice, but they are not friendly.  I don’t know if it is me?  What could I have done?  What didn’t I do?  Where can I meet people that I can connect with?  Right out of college I went to work for a company, but I don’t play very good politics and let me tell you that out here the construction industry is all politics.  Right off the bat, I was excluded because my family time was more important.  After I got fired I tried to change to fit in with the way people are out here.  I tried to be what they wanted and who they needed so that I could get a job or find someone to hang out with on weekends.  That was 12 years ago and I have lost myself and not gained a significant amount of people in my inner circle.  Those that are in my inner circle are people who are not from here,who I have been friends with a long time, who I have met away from WA and really took the chance getting to know me and I them, but it was safe because if things did not work out they didn’t live near me.  I feel like I do things because it is expected of me.  I take everything to heart and feel that every negative comment is directed at me personally and I am not really enjoying what I am doing anyway.  It is so frustrating to have lost part of yourself.  Which part, I have no idea.  Just as I have no idea how to get that part of me back.  I feel that as a mom and woman I wear so many masks that I am not sure who the real me is anymore.  I want to try and find that person again who can smile more than frown, who can enjoy her kids, who can let go of this tight control she has and be silly when she wants/needs.  That is being who I want to be

                                                                  .....Authentically me.


Thursday, January 2, 2014

One Little Word: Authentic

Wow, it has sure been awhile since I have written here.  So many, many things have changed over the course of the last year and a half.  Kids have grown, jobs have changed....

This year I instead of trying resolutions (because as much as I try to keep them, I never make it to the end of the year and always feel that I have somehow failed or let myself and/or others down) I am going to focus on One Little Word.  My word for the year is :


Why Authentic, well, as I go through this wonderful class that I found to guide me we shall find out why.  So, for now, I am not going to get into it.

I did want to share the cover of my book/journal.  I am still not sure what format this will take, but it is a start.

The picture is from this past summer's hike on Mt. Rainier that I edited.  To me this is a place as Authentic as it gets; pure raw beauty

This first page is where you make your word visible, define it, and gather synonyms for your word to help you find more ways to bring it into your life.  I do have to say that I was surprised that one of the synonyms was dependable.  I would have never said that being dependable was authentic, but it appeared in almost every entry.  Well, if that is the case, I am well on my way since I do know that a lot of people view me as dependable (sometimes too much so).  I was also supposed to find a photo of myself that displays how we look trying to do/be our word for the year.  I chose this picture taken by my friend, Kelly.  We were in Atlanta together and there were no expectations from others who thought they did or did not know me.  We were just goofing around having a great time.  I swear that sometimes Kelly and I share a brain because there were these overgrown weeds next to the path that kept attacking me and at the same time we thought of the same picture.  I was already moving into position as she was getting her camera out.  I feel this captures me being Authentic because it is something that not many people in my day to day life would expect me to do.  I feel that I am so serious because it is expected of me that I have a hard time finding who I really am anymore where I live and the people that I interact with on a daily basis....but we are getting ahead of ourselves and I guess I have a head start on the next page.  That however will take a bit more work before I share it.

While I have no idea if anyone reads this anymore, I thought I would throw it out there.