So....how did January Go???

 

Credit Joanna Vaughan  

 

That is a question that I am trying to honestly answer.  When I break down the different parts this is what I get:

Health:
Fairly decent.  I would not say that my eating has been perfect by any means.  I am still working on drinking enough water and trying not to stress eat as the auction draws closer.

Physical:
I can't say that I have been to the gym all that much.  I am continuing to work out with my trainer, but getting their on my own has been difficult.  Again, the auction is almost here and people are placing a lot of demands on my time to get ready.

Mental: 
If I am 100% honest, I am having trouble here.  If you have ready my last post about the Navy Commander you would probably know that I was shaken to the core and very, very, very angry at both this person and myself.  Myself for letting it get to me and thinking that in anyway he was correct. It was actions unbecoming of an officer.  Anyway I think the hardest time I am having was that I went to a private group and asked for a pep talk from people there.  The response I got was that I was completely wrong for thinking this person was out of line, that people have bad days and it was o.k. that he reacted like this.  After four different people told me that I didn't have a right to be angry I deleted my post.  The fact is that I still think I have a right to be mad.  I don't think that my feelings were invalid.  I am actually really hurt that this community of people who are supposed to be supportive were anything but.  It really made me question if I wanted to continue on my journey. 

Self esteem is something I have struggled with my entire life.  I was never the popular kid in school, I take a while to open up, but when you are in my inner circle you are almost there for life.  I worked very hard through high school to get good grades.  I worked my way through college most semesters while studying Mechanical Engineering at Purdue.  I know I am smart.  Getting married and moving to Seattle was tough, I have no family out here.  I got my first job and got my first taste of discrimination and unequal work assignments.  I got transferred from job site into the office with out a reason.  I was given very little guidance in how to do my office estimation job, then fired because I didn't know how to do it.  My son was stillborn at 22 weeks.  My second pregnancy was 16 weeks of complete bed-rest and 11 weeks of partial.  Yes, I struggle with self esteem issues and depression.

I am getting back on track.  The "Commander" can kiss my ass!  I have not been as active on the private group.  I have not left, but I am very selective about what I answer and/or say now....which to me seems not as authentic but.....

Relationships:
I recently read a blog post about this dad's experience observing another dad in Costco.  You can find the article here if you haven't read it.  It is old, from 2010, but the facts still remain that this is the time that shapes my kids and I need to be present to help them grow and not allow TV, X-box, or video games teach them.  I am trying.  Maybe I need to close my laptop between the hours of 6 and 8 pm?

Action items for the remainder of February:
1.  Drink 6 glasses of water a day
2. Track what I eat at least 4 out of 7 days
3. Work out twice a week
4.  Try a new group work out class that I haven't tried before.
5. Once a week take a 1 hour mental (aka me) time break - read a book
6. Have a friend "date" once a month - coffee, MNO, craft night., etc.

Pep Talk Needed

I need a pep talk. This really has nothing to do with my One Little Word Authentic, but....I am in charge of my kids school auction and each school family is required to donate $$ toward the auction either in the form of actual $ or getting a business to donate. These donations were due before Christmas. A month has passed since they were due and I had to send a letter to the people who did not turn theirs in. I got back a hate filled, name calling, unprofessional e-mail... from a set of parents. To make matters worse these parents used the husbands rank in the military as a bully/intimidation tactic to make them seem more important. I tried to stand up and say that there was nothing wrong with my letter (even has my COO relative read it) and this was bullying. I was told to back off by both the PTO president and the principal. Why is it that even though I didn't do anything wrong I am still the loser here? Why do people like this get away this things like this? I am so mad at them and at myself because for the first 24 hours I really did think I did something wrong. I realized I didn't, so I got my ducks in a row to present that I didn't and now I feel again like I did something wrong. I am trying to be the bigger person here and tell myself to move on and just create the most wonderful event despite these people, but it is hard. Any advice?

Why do kids make us so CRAZY!!!!

So, bad parenting moment for today...yes, today because I am sure that I will have another one tomorrow and the next day and the day after the next day.  You get the idea.

 

  This is what I felt like this morning.  While I may not have looked like it (i.e. no rollers because I have short hair) the feeling this photo evokes is what I felt like.  Connor, 10, got a rainbow loom for Christmas.  It is very challenging for him to make the bracelets due to weak fine motor skills and we have only mastered the very simple one.  Well last night, he took the 4 he had already made off of his wrist and put them God only knows where.  Fast forward to this morning about 10 minutes before school. 

C:"Mom, where did Dad put my bracelets?"
M:"I don' t know, let me call him."
R: "I didn't touch any bracelets last night I just moved some pillows"
C: "I worked really hard on those bracelets.  I want them back!"
M: "We need to get to school, why don't you think about where you could have taken them off and we will look after school."
C: "I don't want to look after school, I want them NOW!!!"
M: "If you can't remember where you took them off, then they are lost because I have no idea where they could be."
C (by now crying): "If you can't find them, I want my time back then!  I worked really hard on those and you don't seem to care."
M: "I do care, I love you, and I know how hard you worked, but we NEED to go to school.  I can look when I get home."
C (in car):"Why am I having such a bad day?"
M: "You need to focus on the positive and think about where you left the bracelets"
C (20 minutes into this): "You don't understand how hard I worked and you don't care."
M (completely loosing it): "What the hell do you want me to do about this?  These are not mine and not my responsibility.  I said I would look when I got home, there is nothing I can do about it now as I am driving down the street.  If you continue to cry and yell then you can get the F*#% out of the car and walk because I don't want to listen to it."
C (sobbing in back of car)

Yes, I am a horrible parent and I should have never said those types of words to my child.  Why is he able to push my buttons so much that I completely loose it?  So while I may have been authentic in how I was feeling, I should have never said those words to my child.  I know that his ADHD meds are off and we are working on getting them fixed, but his ability to drive me to the brink is amazing.  Anyone else ever had a day like this?  How do you keep it from happening again?

Fears and Dreams

My fears...

... not being liked as I open up and being ridiculed (yes, I know I shouldn’t care what other think, but is anyone ever able to do this???)

... losing the people who I would like as inner circle friends because they don't like the authentic me

... not being able to open up with my husband or kids about what I would really like and would make me happy

... not being able to find the things that make me happy

... being so stressed that I quit and clam up again

... not finding the authentic me

I dream about...

... maybe making a friend who I can call when I am in need that doesn’t live 2,000+ miles away

... connecting with my kids to become a fun and lovable mom

... falling deeper in love with  my husband

... learning new things (scrapbooking, photography, crafts)

... finally putting the experiences that hurt me in my past.

... our trip across the country back to the Midwest this summer

More and Less

 

This image from K.Pertiet got me thinking.  I want more of these things, but also:

More Shenanigans (to borrow a word someone else said lately)
More Hugs
More Crafting
More Giving
More Love
More Heart
More Connecting - to husband, kids, & people I know
More Dates
More Healthy Body
More Time - for myself, for my family, & for friends

Less Judgment
Less Feeling like a failure
Less Resentment          
Less YELLING!
Less Putting myself down
Less Anger
Less Depression & Anxiety



Someone made this collage of all the One Little Word 2014 words.  Is there one that speaks to you?

I chose this word because....

Why did I choose this word?  That is kind of a hard thing to wrap my brain around.  I have been feeling for a long time that people out here in WA are nice, but they are not friendly.  I don’t know if it is me?  What could I have done?  What didn’t I do?  Where can I meet people that I can connect with?  Right out of college I went to work for a company, but I don’t play very good politics and let me tell you that out here the construction industry is all politics.  Right off the bat, I was excluded because my family time was more important.  After I got fired I tried to change to fit in with the way people are out here.  I tried to be what they wanted and who they needed so that I could get a job or find someone to hang out with on weekends.  That was 12 years ago and I have lost myself and not gained a significant amount of people in my inner circle.  Those that are in my inner circle are people who are not from here,who I have been friends with a long time, who I have met away from WA and really took the chance getting to know me and I them, but it was safe because if things did not work out they didn’t live near me.  I feel like I do things because it is expected of me.  I take everything to heart and feel that every negative comment is directed at me personally and I am not really enjoying what I am doing anyway.  It is so frustrating to have lost part of yourself.  Which part, I have no idea.  Just as I have no idea how to get that part of me back.  I feel that as a mom and woman I wear so many masks that I am not sure who the real me is anymore.  I want to try and find that person again who can smile more than frown, who can enjoy her kids, who can let go of this tight control she has and be silly when she wants/needs.  That is being who I want to be


                                                                  .....Authentically me.

 

One Little Word: Authentic

Wow, it has sure been awhile since I have written here.  So many, many things have changed over the course of the last year and a half.  Kids have grown, jobs have changed....

This year I instead of trying resolutions (because as much as I try to keep them, I never make it to the end of the year and always feel that I have somehow failed or let myself and/or others down) I am going to focus on One Little Word.  My word for the year is :

Authentic

Why Authentic, well, as I go through this wonderful class that I found to guide me we shall find out why.  So, for now, I am not going to get into it.

I did want to share the cover of my book/journal.  I am still not sure what format this will take, but it is a start.

 

 

The picture is from this past summer's hike on Mt. Rainier that I edited.  To me this is a place as Authentic as it gets; pure raw beauty

 

This first page is where you make your word visible, define it, and gather synonyms for your word to help you find more ways to bring it into your life.  I do have to say that I was surprised that one of the synonyms was dependable.  I would have never said that being dependable was authentic, but it appeared in almost every entry.  Well, if that is the case, I am well on my way since I do know that a lot of people view me as dependable (sometimes too much so).  I was also supposed to find a photo of myself that displays how we look trying to do/be our word for the year.  I chose this picture taken by my friend, Kelly.  We were in Atlanta together and there were no expectations from others who thought they did or did not know me.  We were just goofing around having a great time.  I swear that sometimes Kelly and I share a brain because there were these overgrown weeds next to the path that kept attacking me and at the same time we thought of the same picture.  I was already moving into position as she was getting her camera out.  I feel this captures me being Authentic because it is something that not many people in my day to day life would expect me to do.  I feel that I am so serious because it is expected of me that I have a hard time finding who I really am anymore where I live and the people that I interact with on a daily basis....but we are getting ahead of ourselves and I guess I have a head start on the next page.  That however will take a bit more work before I share it.

While I have no idea if anyone reads this anymore, I thought I would throw it out there.