I chose this word because....

Why did I choose this word?  That is kind of a hard thing to wrap my brain around.  I have been feeling for a long time that people out here in WA are nice, but they are not friendly.  I don’t know if it is me?  What could I have done?  What didn’t I do?  Where can I meet people that I can connect with?  Right out of college I went to work for a company, but I don’t play very good politics and let me tell you that out here the construction industry is all politics.  Right off the bat, I was excluded because my family time was more important.  After I got fired I tried to change to fit in with the way people are out here.  I tried to be what they wanted and who they needed so that I could get a job or find someone to hang out with on weekends.  That was 12 years ago and I have lost myself and not gained a significant amount of people in my inner circle.  Those that are in my inner circle are people who are not from here,who I have been friends with a long time, who I have met away from WA and really took the chance getting to know me and I them, but it was safe because if things did not work out they didn’t live near me.  I feel like I do things because it is expected of me.  I take everything to heart and feel that every negative comment is directed at me personally and I am not really enjoying what I am doing anyway.  It is so frustrating to have lost part of yourself.  Which part, I have no idea.  Just as I have no idea how to get that part of me back.  I feel that as a mom and woman I wear so many masks that I am not sure who the real me is anymore.  I want to try and find that person again who can smile more than frown, who can enjoy her kids, who can let go of this tight control she has and be silly when she wants/needs.  That is being who I want to be


                                                                  .....Authentically me.